In Vain I Have Struggled. It Will Not Do...

"In vain I have struggled. It will not do."- Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice

I have found myself avoiding writing this entry.....for a while now. I refused to even write it in my diary, say it to friends, and when I pray to God about it I know I sound extremely baffled by the whole situation. It’s barely a whisper as it leaves my lips. I find myself surprised, trying to think about when did it start, how did it happen? …Isn't that how it always is? It's when you least expect it...... the person you least expect and/or happens when you have no clue how it’s going to play out.  For me to say it to God and to myself is one thing, but to say it to others, write it, even acknowledge it opens me up to what I fear the most: rejection. One of my favorite verses comes to mind as I deal with my fear: 1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.” (ESV).  I am in God, God is love. So His perfect love removes all fear from me because fear poses as a hindrance…. I really don’t know what tomorrow will hold, how this will play out or if it will play out and not just be something in my head. I encourage my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to trust Him always, acknowledge Him in all you do and He will direct you. Be blessed.

Breathe....Just Breathe.....

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Lately I have been anxious; and there is no reason to be really. God has been blessing me: first with my job, with school (junior year is done!), and with a deeper understanding of where my ministry is. Yet, I'm still anxious. It's the No. 1 complaint any quarterlife will make: I'm single! In reality, if you look at it: I'm 26, beginning my career and finishing up school next year, the last thing on my mind should be adding more to my plate by thinking about being in a relationship. But from a Christian point of view: I'm 26!!!!! Lol. My main thing is that I miss companionship. I miss having someone to talk to everyday, go out with, have insider jokes with, etc. Every time I think about it, I look at it from the that point of view and I am ALWAYS reminded that God works on His time and He's always on time. So, what does this Bible verse tell me? Take a deep breath and talk to God, BE THANKFUL and let Him know what's on your mind/what you desire. Then He will give you a peace that even you can't understand. I know He's working it out, and that it will be more amazing than what I can think.....I just have to remember to take a deep breath and be anxious for nothing. Be blessed.

Having Like Minded Companions on the Journey

I had an amazing conversation with my fellow Village Versper tonight until fat droplets broke up our talk and I had to run to the train station. We were discussing the struggle it has been for us being single and not having anyone to relate to in this season. This has been an issue of mine for awhile. I have friends who are either engaged or married; and the conversation isn't to encourage me in the season now but to make me hope and look forward to the next season. But......what do I do now?  I know all the bible verses of waiting on the Lord and being encouraged but to have someone say "I am there too, and it so frustrating!" makes me feel so much better. It's not easy; and I will never lie and say anything about it is. To wait on God when I am so used to taking things into my on hands takes time and a patient God who is working on me daily. And the thing is God knows I can't walk away; I need Him. So what can I say to my fellow single Christians who are waiting patiently/impatiently on the Lord? Continue to wait, and have people who are God minded in your camp. That is so extremely important. Fellow Christians will give you the Godly advice you need that will help you and keep you walking in the right direction: towards Christ. If there is someone who is in your same situation (a fellow single): talk to them. It will feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. It is so important to also have a person who is stronger in their walk to talk to. I have the blessing of having my First Lady to talk to. She is like a big sister to me and I thank God everyday for her. I may not be able to talk to her as much as I used to, but when I do she always leaves a word with me that helps me further along in my walk. Finally, have literature that helps you now. I have read so many books about preparing for courtship and marriage but I have found that reading books about looking at this season as a blessing and not a transitional period helps me in my walk now. I want you to know that I am praying for you guys, especially in a society that looks at us like we have the plague when we tell them we are single and waiting on the Lord. Be blessed.

How to Get to My Heart

"A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man should have to chase Him to find her."


— C.S. Lewis

Protecting Hearts

This is probably one of the hardest entries to write. I don't like to talk about myself and relationships; I have no clue why. But as I started to think about what I wanted to say, I found myself staring at a blank page or deleting and rewriting my entry. The problem isn't that I don't have anything to say but I have too much to say. One of the things I am learning is that Christians are starting to have a serious battle scars by the time they get into the right relationship. I say that because I find myself in the same conversations, praying for the same things for so many because we don't protect our hearts. I am convinced that God has been doing some serious heart surgery lately. We get into relationships without praying, seeking guidance and/or direction and then when we're in too deep we want to start up dialogue with God about something that we originally had as a monologue. What's the worst part? We suffer a pain/hurt/heart break that closes us off the one that God has intended for us; leaving that person to climb gates/walls/electric fences or whatever we decided to place around our hearts. Is that fair? No, of course not. So what do we do to avoid it all together? If we treat our hearts the way we are supposed to treat our bodies (keeping it pure and for marriage) we won't have to worry about heartbreak. I have experienced this for myself; I was in a relationship and didn't seek God's guidance until I was too deep in. When God revealed to me that he wasn't the one for me, I was a mess. Let's just say 3 1/2 years later I can finally say that my heart is healed. To be able to finally wake up and not dread the pain in your chest, to be able to not hurt over the memories, wishes, and dreams is a feeling I thought I would never experience but now I do. All of this could have been avoided if I sought God first.

That chapter has come to an end, and the chapter begins with you seeking God to remove the pain (which He does) and starts to do a new thing in you. But for God to do a new thing in you, there are things that has to die and be removed. Think about it, if you were where you needed to be in God would you be in the situation you are in now? No, of  course not. We were more concerned with self (flesh) than our relationship with God. So, if you though heartache was a horrible pain, wait until God puts you in the fire to remove the impurities.  All those old, nasty, dormant habits has to removed/plucked/burned away. But don't worry, its for the best. You can't be used right now when you have random outbursts, or you have a lusting issue. You can't be used right now when you still like to party or if you have a gambling issue. Remember, we are supposed to be building up God's kingdom, not tearing it down. Once God has cleaned you, burned up those things in you that are not of Him you feel lighter, happier, at peace. It's an amazing and wonderful feeling. You actually look forward to God doing more purging in your life because it draws you closer to Him, and you had a taste of God that makes you want more. Living without Him no longer becomes an option. His love for you and your love or Him changes everything: decisions, plans, outlooks, etc.

And we reach the next installment......

Opening Up....Well, Trying To.

I had an amazing conversation with my First Lady on Saturday about being single and my frame of mind about the topic. She said she noticed that I closed myself off; and to be honest I had. That is one of the things I love about her, I have known her for over 15 years and she can read me like a book. She's like the big sister I never had...but back to the topic at hand. I have realized that I reached a point where I have cut myself off so that I don't have to deal with any drama. It wasn't intentional at first; it just slowly started.....I just didn't want to be bothered with the drama of being in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I want to be in one but the RIGHT ONE. And that brings us to why we were having that discussion. I felt that the bad outweighed the good and in a Christian relationship these days, the drama would be too stressful (I came to this conclusion because I was exposed to every one's drama). After talking to her, I realized I was closed off, but my dilemma now is how do I open up? When I made my decision to stay single for One Year I didn't pray about it or seek God's guidance. I just decided that I had enough. Funny thing is the year ends the day after Valentine's Day. LOL, too funny! So I decided to let Jesus take the wheel and stop closing people off (easier said than done). So now that I know this is an issue, I am afraid to see what God will do about it; He seems to be a comedian lately. I guess the issue has come back up because literally ALL of my friends are either married or getting married this year. It doesn’t bother me that I single but I feel like I’m at the point where I might be hindering the next level because I don’t want to go there; pretty selfish right? I don’t want to this and I don’t want to that. The one thing I learn that in CHRISTIAN relationships it’s not about you: it’s about the other person. You must protect their hearts, minds and most important: their salvation. So the question is: does God think I’m ready for such a task?

2011 Plans

So....I have been thinking about 2011 and what it means for me: Another year to get closer to who I am called to be. So these are the things I am looking forward to:

Designing: So....where do I start? I am planning to enter the Operation Bridal Dress this year for real (lol). The deadline is like next week, so I have to start asap. I am looking forward to purchasing 2 dress forms (1 size 6 or 8, the other size 16). I was blessed with a sewing machine by my founder of my church. I will be practicing with patterns, fabrics, etc. learning how to sew and design old school. By September, I should be ready for the Parsons Fashion Design Certificate Program.

Dance: I can't wait to start dancing again; I miss the freedom and discipline of it. I have events at church that I will have to start working on and now that we have 3 dance groups in the ministry I will have my hands full (but I won't complain; I'm actually looking forward to it). I am looking into Modern Dance, and Jazz now. I will always go back to Ballet but I want to broaden my abilities.

Wedding Planning: I guess this will end up being a part-time job soon, lol. I am in the process of planning my cousins wedding and pretty soon a sister from my church as well. I have the Love Dinner that is coming up in February and I will be in charge of the design and set up. We will be able to have more freedom and funds now that everyone is looking forward to it this year.


Decorating: I was planning on moving out but after some praying I realize I should stay in my current apartment (which is huge) and redecorate. As soon as I told my sister she got excited and nearly passed out. I am looking around for some cool pieces to make the apartment more like us.

Relationships/Friendships: Big problem in this area. I don't trust women enough to want to be around them. I have a couple of girlfriends that I trust and would do anything for but that's it. I have made a new guy friend who loves museums and whatnot so we have been running around everywhere late last year and early this year together but I'm still waiting for God to introduce more God-fearing and trust worthy friends into my circle. Relationship wise: I leave that COMPLETELY in God's hands. Lol.

Volunteer Work: I had the wonderful opportunity to participate in Boxes of Love last year. This year I would love to do more volunteer and community work. My dream goal is to be able to travel and do something amazing like Habitat for Humanity.

Hair: I want to understand my hair and not get frustrated and keep it short. I also would love to see my natural hair colour, so I will try (try being the key word) to not colour my hair as well. I don't consider myself a "natural" or on a discovery. I am just the same ole my (minus my gamine cut).

Health: I want to stay on top of eating healthy. I also want to stay fit (Love my hourglass; so I don't want to lose any weight).

Last but not least Spiritual Walk: Sigh.... where do I begin? I want to grow and have a better understanding of the word. I want to be an example to the younger girls that for some reason always find themselves attached to me. Most importantly I want to love unconditionally; that's a hard thing I'm learning. Loving people has been a hard thing for me; the more I am exposed to human nature the more I want to stay to myself....but apparently that's not God's will for me -_-



So, if it's God's will that I see the end of the year I can't wait to check off everything on this list (even the hair stuff, lol). Be blessed, and have an amazing and powerful New Year!

I'm At A Lost............

I just finished a novel called "The Romantics" by Galt Niederhoffer. I'm not going to spoil the ending but I actually went into it expecting the worst. Why? Because lately it seems happy endings aren't really happy endings anymore. I know, I sound like someone in desperate need of a hug; but when you look at society today and how they put their wants and needs above others you soon realize that someone is going to have their heart broken as the other person journeys down the road of self-discovery. I have this song stuck in my head by Brooke Fraser off her new album Flags, it called "Who Are We Fooling?" I listen to the words and the intensity of the situation being conveyed and can't help but think of all the people who can sing along to the song as if it was their life's bio. But the sad thing is that it doesn't have to be. If we just take our time...actually act like adults and weigh the pros and cons to every situation; if we did what was right instead of what "we felt like doing" at that moment than we would have less hearts to mend. We would have fewer people breaking hearts (if that makes sense). Hurt people in turn hurt people (someone who has been hurt only knows pain, so in turn they hurt someone else). We need to be honest with ourselves and put the other person first. When we do that, we will have less broken marriages, affairs, domestic abuse issues, etc. because we for once weren’t selfish.

Until then, the happy endings will be reserved to fairy tales and cheesy movies. Why can't we actually stay in a marriage even when the trials we face in it will provide healthy growth down the line? Why can't we talk to our spouse instead of the coworker who seems to "understand" at convenient times? Why do we expect something different from the person who was exactly that way they were when you met them? Is it fair to want them to change when they have remained consistent and you remained in denial? Most importantly, when will we stop blaming it on love and call it what it really is: lust. Lust isn’t forever; it is a temporary high, a drug that we eventually grow tired of or find a way to up the dosage. I think that at the rate divorces are happening that we should change the vows to “for better or for worst, in sickness or in health or until I tire of you.”

…….. Maybe I’m wrong, or maybe I’m right and it hurts that I finally said it out loud. Perfect way to find out if you are in love or in lust: 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV): “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” If you can say that you are striving towards this daily; you are closer to love than you think. If you can’t check off 1 thing on the list, then you might want to evaluate your relationship and/or intentions…..Be blessed.

Absence Has Made My Heart Grow Fonder.....

I am a horrible blogger; I admit it. I have been so busy and neglected you. So, let me update you. We just had our Youth Convention. The theme was "Experience the Glory" and boy did we. It was absolutely amazing!!!!! My cousin entered courtship and I'm counting down the days until she walks down the altar. So, that leaves me as the token single girl in the bunch now. This basically translates to avoid ALL events where it will be a couples thing instead of friends hanging out ( I discovered that people in relationships are always trying to hook up their poor single friend, lol), seek out my single SAVED friends and start hanging out more often (this means the friends who love the season of singlehood they are in; not  the ones counting down the minutes, seconds, and milliseconds until they are in courtship), and enjoy this time to myself to work on anything I want. I am going to try to blog on a regular basis.......

It's Been Too Long...

Where do I start? Well, I can start at apologizing for not posting these past 2 weeks. My job blocked blogger so I will be posting via cell phone again for a while. So that being said, let me update you:


My hair: I dyed it an espresso brown colour and I like it so far. My beautician is talking about highlights but I keep avoiding the subject.

Work: Same thing, different day. I am grateful that I have a job and God has continued to make a way for me.

-Dance: I'm so busy looking into programs for dance and listening to songs and praying to find out what direction the Lord wants me to move with this Ministry. I'm not going to lie, I'm nervous; I want to touch people and move them when we minister in dance not just do some pretty movements to music. I don't know, maybe its just me. I feel like I'm in a stage where God is showing me where I am and where I need to be to do great works in His name; and I am seriously coming up short.

School: I am interested in attending Parsons for a Certificate in Fashion Design and then go to F.I.T. for Merchandising. I love fashion, and love to design. I feel its time to work on my craft.

Relationships: Still the same. I managed to keep up with my guidelines I told you about earlier. So you can imagine how rarely my phone rings or when I receive text messages. I know its not in vain so I won't stress it. It's for a purpose....also update about waiting: I will be honest about that; It sucks! It boils down to this I rather be waiting and miserable than in a relationship that I have no business in and have to deal with the consequences.

Other things: Right now I'm getting (slowly) use to the idea of it being all girls in the house (my mother, sister and I). The reason why: I do all the dirty work (killing bugs, throwing out the trash, draining the sink, etc). I don't like it one bit, lol. Saturday night we had our College Fund Concert and Singspiration. I can truly say it was a blessing as well as a success. We had a packed house and the children sang their hearts out. I have also made a resolution to start dressing my age. I have realized that my closet resembles the closets of middle age mothers. I am no where near middle age and I have no children so that's not a good look. I have filled out into a size 6 ( I love the hourglass pin-up look) and I have been hiding my curves. But no more! I will embrace my curves, love my figure and dress like a 25 year old woman.


....That's just a little update, be bless.

Nothing Less Than Butterflies*

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.*"
-Carrie Bradshaw





*This of course is after I find out he's a God-fearing, respectable, decent Man of God who loved live, his family and friends. I will stop there and save that for another posting.











image source: dominoeve.wordpress

Clean Up, Clean Up, Everybody Clean Up....

This week is the last week of the Daniel's Fast. The last week my cousin and I decided we will bring very specific things before the Lord: of living situations, relationships, jobs, etc. This week I feel like things are going to change for the better (for everyone). I'm home today (have been since Thursday) and it feels good to be on vacation. I am actually dreading going back but I am absolutely bored. I have decided to shift around the contents of my room. Which at the time sounded like a genius idea until I realized how many magazines I own and how little space I have;  mind you I have no closets or shelves in my room so its pretty much making the most of the floor as possible, lol. I'm not done yet but its too late to continue on.

 I'll finish tomorrow. My dream bedroom is below:

image source: homehousedesign.com

After Careful Consideration.......

I decided that I will try and spend the remainder of the year single. And when I mean single that means:
1. No dates
2. No texting
3. No adding a new number to my phone if they are under the impression that something could happen
AND......
4. No flirting

I don't think it will be too hard; I just have to not look at the male species (especially europeans) as objects of hotness. I will just look but not really pay attention! I will keep you updating on this as it progesses.

Anywho.....Today I went dress shopping with Stacey. We found her dress! She looked so beautiful. I finally understand what they mean when they say that you know when you find your dress. She nearly made me cry (nearly).

The Valentine's Day Movie was cute. I actually thought it would suck (I am not a fan of modern day chick-flicks for some reason).

I have to go wash my hair so I talk to you later.

Measured and Found Lacking....

I haven’t blogged for a whole month! I am sooooo sorry! I am going to keep you up to date:

This month was our 32nd Church Convention (October 11th-18th, 2009). The theme was: “Stir Up the Gifts that is Within You” from 2 Timothy 1:6. It was an awesome week! The week before was praying and then I had to prepare our church newsletter/magazine called “Endeavor” for it. I have been so busy with it that I barely had any sleep.

My birthday dinner is at the Riverview in Long Island City, Queens. The guest list started out at 30 but now might be around 17-20. I would like for it to be an intimate affair but we’ll see. While I’m on the topic of the birthday dinner, a certain someone maybe a no show. But the dinner isn’t for him, it’s for me. You don’t turn 25 everyday.


My dress!!!!!! Where do I begin? I didn’t get in contact with my dress maker so I will have to buy a dress; the problem is that I don’t see any dresses that I like! Oh woe is me! I did see this awesome dress at H&M but we’ll see.

Dance- I am so humble and blessed that the Lord has allowed me to lead the Dance Ministry at my church. The vision has grown and I will be supervising 3 dance ministries. God is so good! I went to a Praise Dance Seminar today and was so blessed! I am so excited for the next chapter.

My relationship- My relationship with God is showing me that I could be sooo much further but I am holding myself back. I have found lacking and it’s time to get to work. I realize that we as Christians are always silent while other groups shout their beliefs and lifestyles from the hilltops; it’s time to stand unashamed!
There are areas that I am lacking in but I learned in my weakness His strength is shown.


My 25th Year a.k.a My Quarterlife- I am determined to end ties, and severe things in my life that are not of God and hinder my growth. It’s time to stand and stand for all to see. I have to make sure my lifestyle echos my words. It’s a new season; there’s no turning back. Also, I am back in Bible School! I started General Bible Survey 1. It’s a lot of work!

I hope that you guys have been blessed; I apologize for such a gap in my blogging. There has been so much on my plate lately. Be blessed.

Are You Ready To Serve?

Today I stayed home for morning service because my cousin stayed home with my aunt as well. I was talking to one of my younger brothers in Christ on Facebook because he mentioned in his status that he was lonely. I told him if you really look at it your not. Of course he didn’t agree to I shared with him what the Lord revealed to me: relationships, friendship & marriage are all ministries. You serve and are served; if you feel you are ready to be in a relationship or get married ask yourself if you are ready to minister everyday while you’re with them. When he looked at it like that he said he wasn’t ready so I told him to ask God to show you where you lack. I realize that everyone wants to be in a relationship so that they have someone.

The Newly- Wed Game

My cousins (she’s my cousin now too, lol) invited me and his sister over for dinner tonight. It was hilarious. The only difference now is that she doesn’t ride home with us anymore. Any who; they were talking about their honeymoon in the Pocono’s and how much fun it was. They mentioned a game that the other honeymooners were playing called the Newly-Wed Game. It was a game to figure out how much you knew about your spouse. I think it is absolutely hilarious to see my cousin and his wife (it sounds so funny to say) talk with us; they are sickening! It made me happy that I am waiting. I want that; not the cute pukey stuff but the companionship that God has intended for me. Sigh, I am so happy for them; even though they were extremely sickening.

You Keep Me Coming Back for More...

My ex is a drug that is slowly killing me. Every time I try to get over him and move on; he keeps saying or doing something that makes me want to go back. But no more! I am ridding myself of him and asking God to break the ties that keeps us connected some way or another. Keep me in prayer.

Last Minutes....

Today I went to get my hair done and spent the remainder of the day with the groom to take care of the last minute things before the big day tomorrow. I am so happy that my cousin has found his help mate and vice versa. I couldn’t think of a better person for him. She’s a humble, sweet, Woman of God who loves the Lord and puts others before her. I pray tomorrow is everything she wants and more!

What Can I Say?

As each day passes and I deal with the drama and emotions of learning something new about the happy couple; I can’t help but wonder; what will it feel like? I was supposed to meet with “Richard” of the new couple to finalize the shirts and I got so nervous that my stomach was doing serious flips. I don’t know. I feel weird to think about him. He’s taken now and I wouldn’t want anyone thinking of my boyfriend. Don’t you agree? The rehearsal dinner is tomorrow and it’s going to take a lot of work for me to look forward to it, I just want it to come and go. So sorry to say, I can’t wait until the ceremony and reception is over. SMH. I dislike being negative. Keep the prayer there.

Why Am I Not Surprised

I was supposed to meet “Richard” after work for the suit fitting but he cancelled. To tell you the truth, it seems since he’s been in a relationship that he has been more open with me. I am so confused. I never tried to pursue him at all. And there lies the problem. He didn’t think I was interested because he is so used to women going after him. I did the opposite; I was the cool friend on the side that would occasionally talk and joke with him. I was always told that “He that findeth a wife…” I will always stick to that. I like it, I like that if a gentleman is interested, he has to make the move. I am convinced I belong in another time period. I love the old fashion standards to things. These days everyone thinks without thinking.