Injurious Harm

Found here.

Wife Megan and I have been preparing for a couple of aerial silks performances this weekend at The Gowanus Ballroom (henceforward, "TGB"). TGB is a very cool space - a former factory that now serves double-duty as a metal shop and an art gallery, and it would seem they're eager to have as much aerial performance in it as they can get as well. I've been looking forward to this opportunity in particular, as it would be my first professional aerial gig, and I really love the space itself.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, I've hurt myself a little too badly to carry on.

I'm fine. I mean, I'M FINE. I feel a little silly, in fact, since our teacher very recently had a serious injury that's keeping her off the silks. (Hers had almost nothing to do with the inherent dangers we tend to think of for climbing arts - while she was standing on the ground, a rigging hook fell from the ceiling onto her hand, which is miraculously unbroken but very swollen.) By comparison, my ailments are exceedingly minor. I have a strained right shoulder, and a tweaked left. Were I in Cirque du Soleil (henceforth, "CdS") or some such company, these would indubitably be suck-it-up injuries.

Well, I'm not in CdS. ("What?" I know: right?) Giving it twelve hours after the second tweaking, in which time I napped, took some pain medication and got a decent rub-down, I made the decision I have the luxury to make. In my experience, the reason these sorts of things happen in threes is not because of some cosmic predestiny or communique, nor because it's funny (though, Dudes: it totally is). No, they come in threes because some moron decides he doesn't have to listen to the world around him. I'll not be that moron.

Today, anyway.

That's not to say I feel good about the decision. Why write about it if I feel smashing? No; even past the call, I'm struggling with it. I don't question it in any rational sense. Hauling myself up and catching myself down a thirty-foot ribbon is not what the doctor ordered for a couple of twinged shoulders, and a bad or even hesitant performance doesn't add to my fellow conspirators' performances in any way. Our fearless leader even made sure we knew going in that the commitment was negotiable for this kind of concern.

What is difficult about this is the lost work that went into rehearsal. What is difficult about this is that this is the second time in a row that a silks performance of mine was compromised by health concerns (see 5/25/11). What's difficult is taking the long view, and returning to the dual considerations that:  1) I might need to give silks a rest for awhile, find something else in the physical arts to study; and  2) I am older than I once was, and that's all I'll ever be, because that's how life works.

Stupid life.

I try not to think about things this way, that I'm getting too old for anything. It makes far more sense to me to think that as I age, I need to keep improving my approach to physical arts so I can work smarter and be prepared and more attuned to my body. Of course, part of the beauty of physical expression is that it can be so pure and independent from analysis. This sets us up for a classic showdown: Body versus Mind. Will Mind's rationale wither under the indomitable impulse-control-problem of Body, or will Body be left baffled, staring into an empty corner at its own mortal shadow whilst Mind proves irrefutably that it is the very construct of reality?! Sunday, SUNDAY, Sunday! Two enter the octagon, only one may leave! Except that, oh, well, they kind of need one another after all so let's all sing kumbaya, ma' lord, oh lord, kumbaya...

Anyway. It's not a complete write-off. When I was last in Scranton I finally retrieved my first pair of stilts, which had taken up residence there for almost two years now. My plan is to perform a sort of metalworker character, a tall guy from a different time dropped into the art space and trying to find his way to Gowanus, unable to recognize that he's already there. It's a theatrically satisfying idea, regardless of how physically simple the act ultimately is.

It's funny. I've been practicing my stilt-walking after work on the odd afternoon since I got the pair back, just taking a walk around the block to reacquaint myself with the sensation. It's difficult to avoid the cliché about bike riding, but there are things I forgot about stilt-walking. Primarily, how taken with it people are. Just carrying the stilts around invites folks to ask questions, and actually walking on them (the stilts; less-so the people) inspires an incredible repetition of jokes and questions. ("How's the weather up there?" has become to me a challenge to make my response as original as possible in contrast.) I engage in this repetition too. My line is, "It's easy. I could teach you in an hour." And it's true. It took me five years to learn to ride a bicycle, and fifty minutes to walk on my own on stilts.

People very rarely take me up on the offer, however. I think I've taught only two folks in nine years. Most people have talked themselves out of it before they've even considered the possibility, which I think is a shame. Sure - you could fall, you could get hurt. Worse, you might even have to give up. The catch is that the best opportunities available are within that risk. It's those painless injuries of never trying that really tear me up.

Five Hun Dread: The Sacred & Profane

In the waning days of 2006 I started this here 'blog in the interests of exerting a bit more control over  my online presence. It probably speaks volumes to my misconceptions about the Internet that I imagined I could "control" my online presence, but at the time I had just had a website put up for me, and simply wanted to contribute to that effort in a more personal way. After a short time, I found a guiding principle for the 'blog, which I decided would be used to explore and expound upon my efforts to live what I called "The Third Life." That is, a life lived outside of conventional norms and perspectives, one that aspires to be about more than just home and work, that incorporates something else (see 12/19/06, but also, and perhaps more interestingly, 2/21/08).

In the five years since I started the Aviary, one or two things have changed. I've been involved in myriad productions of great variety, including one low-budget sci-fi film and several original collaborations, traveled to and performed in Italy four times, and performed an extended-run NYC Fringe show that I helped develop. I got to play Romeo, well past my freshness date for that particular role. I moved three times, once between Brooklyn and Queens, and I took up aerial silks. Friend Andrew and I dared to experiment with a performance collective.  I've acted, written, choreographed, directed, curated and devised. In that time I also changed day jobs and taught in various capacities, including joining a UK-based corporate training company. Most significantly, my sister moved out of the city, and I married a woman I've known and loved since I was seventeen.

For a little over a month now, my evenings and a significant part of my weekends have been devoted to rehearsals for and performances of a play called Sacred Ground. It was written by my fellow As Far As We Know collaborator, Christina Gorman, and is the first time I've worked with her since we departed that show. Sacred Ground also represents the first naturalistic drama in which I've acted in the city since Lie of the Mind - which, as some may recall, did not garner me the most magnificent of notices. Well, it's only taken me about four years to get over that, and so I've been dutifully applying my craft to a rather down-to-earth, straight-forward drama. And I've enjoyed it. And I'd say I've even done a fairly respectable job.

It was very interesting, returning to a conventional off-off-Broadway rehearsal schedule in NYC. Rehearsals went rather late, and something about that - combined with working with all-new people (other than Christina), and tackling something by which I was more than a little intimidated - came to remind me very poignantly of how I generally existed in my 20s. There was almost literally no stopping, from day job, to rehearsal, to wherever life took me next. I'm just not as resilient now, and the hours came to take their toll on me toward opening. There were dark circles under my eyes and dark thoughts crowding my spare moments. I really felt the personal sacrifices I was making to be a part of this play, and that was another difference between the 80-hour weeks of my 20s and now.

I have loved the part. My character, Father William, is one with whom I can uniquely identify. There was even a time when I contemplated going to seminary (though never have I contemplated converting to Catholicism) and his sensitivity and passionate need to help were another reminder to me of my earlier decade. I can't, of course, speak to how successful I've been overall with my portrayal of him, but he has felt to me like a good match for my particular personality and skills (in spite of the lack of opportunity for self-effacing pratfallery). The experience of the show, trials and rewards and all, has felt redemptive of a few lingering personal regrets in a lot of ways - fulfilling exactly what I wondered about its potential when I auditioned for it.

It's also got me thinking about acting in a different way. It's strange how the process tosses us around, a profanity of effort for one sacred experience. It's incredible how hard actors have to work, yet for ultimately so very little ownership of what they create. At best, actors co-own a collection of moments. For stage actors in particular, those moments are as temporal as anything in life. Theatre actors have to sweat through constant insecurity and uncertainty, stand up for their perspective and submit to others' needs in rapid turns, and the immaterial reward is to stand in front of a large group for a time and accept the possibility that they are "with" him or her in a given moment. God in heaven, why would anyone do this for less than big money, or at the very least a livable wage?

This perspective on acting has been developing with me for some time now, but my experiences on Sacred Ground have helped me put it into more cohesive language and context. In part, I can understand this view because of some of the challenges I experienced directing The Puppeteers. During that process, I continually found myself vacillating between the perspectives of a new director doing his best to make something a little daring and different, and that of myself as an actor in a Zuppa del Giorno show. It's often said that the best quality an actor can have is the ability to access a child-like self or state. I have to wonder if actors are given any choice in the matter, really. Every scrap of their work is entering an unknown world head-first. They are effectively forced to make mistake after mistake after mistake, and surrender themselves to forces they've no hope of fully comprehending.

Nearly five years on from my first post - and on this, my five-hundredth - the landscapes of many things have changed. Not the least of which is the landscape of the Internet itself. I've succumbed somewhat to the more-visual and less-verbal style of the "tumblelog" here and there, posting tiny entries that do nothing so much as capture (and attempt to render somewhat less temporal) brief moments of contemplation. I thought, however, that I'd return to a bit of my former style for this post. At least the length and varied direction is a return. My tone, however, has undeniably altered. Well, it's still pretentious and overwrought - don't get me wrong. It's also less immediately gratifying, I think, and looks a little farther into the horizon.

When I examine my life now, I've got no true regrets. That was one of my goals as a college student, about to venture into adult life and trying to make sense of what I wanted from it - to have no regrets. At the time, that meant pursuing a life as a professional actor, heedless of anything else. Now, my personal "Third Life" has more in it than that, and some potential for a greater richness of experience. It's taking a certain amount of courage to embrace that, to embrace everything I want. But I've done it before. I'll do it again.

Any Christian weight-losers out there?

i need advice. i am starting the giovanni diet tomorrow, and i will stick with it. encouragement please?

fresh start today. no more snacking. no more bad foods. back to eating good & walking. i need to stop using my surgery as an excuse to not do anything. all i’ve been doing the past 3 weeks is snacking and sleeping. well, working too. so i’m excited for this month. i haven’t weighed myself in a week or two & like i said, i’m going to try to go this entire month without weighing myself. it’s probably not going to happen, but i’m going to try!

i’m about to get ready to go for a walk right now. not sure about jumping right into 3 miles, but i’m going to take it one lap at a time!! wish me luck!!!

Flat Tummy

Rich in digestion supporting ingredients, this smoothie will help prevent bloating and digestive stress that can sabotage your tummy flattening efforts.

• 3/4 c. papaya
• 3/4c. sliced peaches
• 1/2 pear, sliced
• 1 tsp fresh ginger
• 2 mint leaves
• Water to thin

Skin Saver

Antioxidants in berries are known to help to fight wrinkles and other skin ageing signs.  Berries are also a great way to control blood sugar that can sabotage your complexion.  This smoothie also contains Omega 3, to fight inflammation, as well as vitamins E and C, both renown to help the skin.

• 3/4 c blueberries
• 3/4 c pitted cherries
• 5   strawberries
• 1/4 avocado, peeled and pitted
• 2 tsp wheat germ (optional)
• 2 tsp ground flax seed
• Water, to thin

Peanut Butter Energy Booster

This protein-rich and minerals-filled smoothie will give you long-lasting energy.  Cinnamon will help to control your blood sugar so your energy level won’t crash too quickly.

• 1 big banana
• 1 scoop of natural hemp protein powder
• 2 tsp of natural peanut butter
• 1 handful of fresh baby spinach
• 1/2 tsp of cinnamon
• Water, to thin

Bone Lover

This vitamin-rich green smoothie contains calcium, magnesium and other bone building minerals to keep your bone strong and healthy.

• 2 bananas
• 1 handful of chard leaves
• 1 handful of kale leaves
• 1 tsp of green matcha powder
• 1/2 cup of homemade almond milk

Immune System Booster

Rich in vitamin A, C and zinc, this smoothie can increase the production of white blood cells and antibodies to get your body ready to resist this season’s infections.

• 1/2 c. mango cubes
• 1/2 c. cantaloupe cubes
• 1/2 c. fresh pineapple cubes
• 1/4 c. chopped pumpkin seeds
• Water, to thin

Natural Skin Tanner

Studies have proven that a beta-carotene rich diet can make your complexion glow, and that particular skin tone is usually considered healthier than a regular skin tan. This smoothie can help you get that healthy glow without risking your skin lying under the sun.

• 1/2 cup of cantaloupe cubes
• 1/2 cup of papaya
• Juice of 1 orange
• 1/2 cup of carrot juice (or water)
• 1 small knob of fresh ginger

Antioxidant Power

Feel the power of this detox foods-rich smoothie.  Very rich in antioxidants, this smoothie will help to support your liver to detox naturally and help your body stay healthy and young longer.

• 1/3 cup of blueberries
• 1/3 cup of raspberries
• 1/3 cup of pomegranate kernels
• 1/4 cup of beet juice (optional)
• 1 banana
• Water to thin

I’ve never done this before, or if I have I’ve never actually held myself accountable at the end of the month…so here goes. Small goals for now :)

• Lose 2-3 Kg- If I can get to 66kg by July (2kg loss), I’ll be happy. This one is a must.
• Go to the gym 4+ times a week- I’m really, really hoping I’ll be able to afford a membership, if I can’t, I’ll change this goal.
• Eat as clean as possible, all day, every day- This one will be so hard. I have such a huge problem with binge eating. But I’ll go a day at a time.
• See my psychiatrist every week- No backing out or giving up.
• Only weigh or measure on Fridays- No sneakiness, it only dissapoints me when I do it too often.

Tomorrow was bad, today will be better. I won’t wait until July to start again. Let’s go :)

Can you imagine? I have 100% control over what I eat. That kid has what? maybe 15%? that’s being generous. 

I’m blessed that my parents raised me at a normal weight. Child obesity is running rampant. I want to have this healthier lifestyle so that when I have children, I can teach it to them.

How about you?

If you’d like to join the weightloss challenge starting today, send an inbox so I can make you a group member and we can all do this together.

BEFORE PICTURES ARE GOING ON NOW! 

i need a good workout and im out of options to do at home.

That calculates the amount of calories I burn?

I’m super excited to try it out!! I have everything hooked up, and although I don’t have a lot of time to log activity for the day, it’s already working pretty well.

If you missed my last post, the fitbit is a 3-dimensional pedometer that tracks steps taken, distance travelled, calories burned, and then sends the information to a website that analyzes it for you. Check out www.fitbit.com if you want to learn more!

Anyhoo, just thought I’d share. It’s tinier than I expected, but I hope it works! I have it clipped to my bra right now 8) Take a look!

I’d like to follow!

WHAT! :D

This isn’t a weight loss blog, for starters. I would never admit to having an eating disorder unless I was diagnosed. I have a problem. I do not think I am fat, the reason why I don’t like to eat is to avoid being fat. That is one reason. Another is it is a way I cope with things. I began this “not eating” journey when I was in 8th grade. I was going through a very hard time in my life and this was my way of dealing with my situation. I thought I would stop. Five years later I haven’t given up this bad habit. Not many people quite understand my problem. I have only met one other person that understands this obsession because she went through a similar situation. I like to put it like this, when everything else in the world is crazy and out of your hands, your weight is the one thing you can control. I went through a deep depression and that is when I started eating less. I have dealt with it on and off for the past five years.

I don’t tell people about this problem of mine. My friends don’t know. My family doesn’t know. Nobody knows that I have kept it up for this long. This blog will be my dirty little secret.

Wrist: 6in

Going out with friends completely killed my “no junk food” thing. Had pizza, milkshake,...

Thank you so much!! It is actually inspirational to be told you’re inspirational, it feels great to be recognized by other people. You should keep in mind that I don’t follow the ABC diet strictly, I just use it as to know what intake to aim for each day. Stay strong and good luck, sweetie! xx

I did really badly today, went out to eat and I didn’t realize what I was eating was so bad. I’m going to do everything perfectly for the rest of the week.

Calorie Intake: 2061

Calorie Output: 2195

Net Calories: -134

Long time eh? So my progress is going terribly! I’m still only 131lbs!!! Can someone plz tell me what I might be doing wrong???

The one I wore to prom my junior year fit pretty comfortably, which was a surprise. When I wore it to prom, I felt sick after 45 minutes. It was a WAY-too-big size 14, but I loved the dress, so we got it and had it taken in a ton. Either we had it taken in too much or I put on a few pounds by the time I wore it, because I could barely breathe in the damn thing. Now it fits around my chest perfectly, but it’s much too loose at the waist, and I remember it being very tight all the way down that night. Huzzah.

The weird strappy-back number I wore to winter formal sophomore year was definitely too loose. I tightened the straps as much as I could but nothing could make the torso fit properly without sliding around.

The black, zipper-less, short, stretchy dress I wore to winter formal senior year fit the best. I probably only weighed about three pounds more than I do right now when I wore that one. The fact that it stretches rather than zips definitely changes how it fits, too.

My mom showed me my freshman yearbook picture today and holy cow, my face was so fat. Even in junior prom pictures, when I thought at the time that I was at a pretty ideal weight, my face looked really fat compared to how it is now.

It’s nice to see those little non-scale victories. (:

Breakfast: 

• Jimmy Dean Turkey Sausage and Egg D-Light bowl: 230 calories

Lunch:

• Gardein Burgundy Trio: 360 calories

Dinner:

• Chicken breast cooked in Soy Vey: 203 calories
• Organic brown rice: 78 calories
• Green Giant Just For One broccoli and cheese sauce (3/4 package): 30 calories

Snack:

• Green tea: 0 calories
• 90 Calorie Peanut Butter Chewy Bar: …. 90 calories
• Green Giant Just For One broccoli and cheese sauce (3/4 package): 40 calories
• Classic Zone Perfect Bar, fudge graham: 210 calories
• Green tea: 0 calories

Total: 1241 calories

Exercise: 

• Curves: 550 calories
• Walking: 135 calories

Total net calories: 556

Though surely it will go fast if that’s the case, right?

I have to go to a bridesmaid hair trial on my lunch, so I literally had to make up a sundae to go so I can eat it whilst I’m there.

Breakfast:

2 Quorn sausages (free)

3 slices unsmoked bacon medallions (free)

baked beans & scrambled eggs (free)

green tea (free)

Lunch:

42g crunchy bran (HEX B)

Onken mango & apple fat free yoghurt (free)

banana (super free)

honey & peanut butter (5.5 syns)

Snacks:

1 tub of mango (super free)

2 apples (super free)

So the 120 project is underway! And according to the scale, I’m down seven pounds! Success! I haven’t felt this good about myself in quite awhile. I still have a ways to go, for sure, but if I can keep this up, I’ll meet my goal by August for sure! =]

Tonight was seriously one of my most favorite nights of the summer. I’ve definitely got some writing material (whether it’s gonna be a vignette or a poem, I have yet to decide) so I don’t want to write about it right now and use up all my words. But it was awesome. And I’m smiling. Totally content. Life is good.

So its a full week since I started my weight loss adventure.

Overall I feel I have done well- I’ve stuck to it for once at least!

I’ve not done any excercise this week apart from my usual zumba class and I went for an hours stroll in the park saturday. This week I want to introduce the exercise as I think I can control my hunger a bit better now

SW 11st 6.5 

CW 11st 2.75 (that’s a loss of 3.75lb!!! woohooo!) I’m really pleased with that! I want to try and match it agin this week with the introduction of exercise or at least start to see a change in my body.

GW 9st 

I took photos again and there really is no difference apart from a little on my tummy from the side - I will post pics maybe every 4 weeks or when there is a notable difference

my height is 5’3”

arm 32cm, 32cm

thigh 64cm, 63.6cm

tummy 99cm, 96cm

waist 81cm, 80cm

hips 108cm, 108cm

Even though my pictures down really show much difference, I have lost a few cm here and there, yey!

How tall are you? Do you like your height?

I am 5’4. I don’t mind my height, I’m kind of average. But I wouldn’t pass up the oportunity to be taller if someone asked me :’)

Going out with friends completely killed my “no junk food” thing. Had pizza, milkshake, and iced tea. But thats quite alright, cause we walked around town all night & played soccer at 1am. I’ve missed them so much. I haven’t seen Lindsay in a year, and Vito and John since November. Also got to see my art teacher and Steveeeeen. Who I haven’t seen in a year as well. I’m making the best of this summer before everyone goes back to college again. It was a good night of shenanigans. I’m so sore now. Plus side, I went out and bought a soccer ball.. so I can go out and kick that around when I want exercise. :)

It's amazing when clothing fits properly instead of being sausaged into things!

and DAMN. does that hurt your ass. I need to stretch >:/ I’ll probably take a walk tonight, or go to the YMCA or something. Hoo-rah! I can’t wait until I get down to 200 ibs. I’m going to piss myself when I do :)

Misconception: This creamy spread is an indulgence best enjoyed occasionally because it’s high in fat and calories.

Why it’s good for you:At least five major studies confirm that eating peanuts can lower risk for coronary heart disease. So it’s no leap to think that peanut butter confers the same benefits. “Suffice it to say that eating peanut butter or peanuts has been associated with lower total cholesterol, lower ldl or ‘bad’ cholesterol, and lower triglycerides, all of which are associated with lower cardiovascular disease risk,” says Richard Mattes, Ph.D., R.D., a professor of nutrition at Purdue University.

My scale is european, i was exactly 52.0 kilos which is 114.6 pounds and my BMI is now 18.5!!!

Words fail to express my joy

Breakfast:

1 caramel snack a jack cracker (51)

Lunch:

Weight Watchers Lemon and chicken risotto (331)

Dinner:

2 fried eggs on bread with half an avocado and 2 teaspoons of peanut butter (665)

Snacks:

1 spoon of Branston Pickle with 1 small apple and a small amount of cheddar cheese (145)

Total approx: 1192 calories.

My dinner today wasn’t very healthy and I have food regret now! I am going to try and do an aerobics work out later but I have so much work to do I am not sure I will have the time :(

http://www.topshop.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?beginIndex=0&viewAllFlag=&catalogId=33057&storeId=12556&productId=2375772&langId=-1&sort_field=Relevance&categoryId=208529&parent_categoryId=203984&pageSize=200&refinements=Price{2}~[5|35]

I’ve just ordered those in a size 6 to wear to the festival I’m going to at the end of July. I’m currently a size 10, so thats a month and two weeks to drop 2 dress sizes…

Now whenever I go to eat or think about not bothering with my exercise for the day, I’ll remember that;

a - I want to be skinny

b - I don’t want to waste my money on shorts I can’t fit into

c - I want to look hot at the festival and pull loads of hot guys and have an amazing time. 

My goal dress…. I want to wear this dress for my 25th birthday…. I have about 2 months

So, yesterday was my cheat day. I had posted that I was going to use my weigh-in yesterday morning as my weigh-in instead of today…well, I decided to do both but, I’m super bummed.

6/11/11 Weigh In: 268.2

6/12/11 Weigh In: 271.5

…Fml. I’m REALLY hoping it’s either my weight fluctuating or muscle or something. I’ve decided to go with the average, 269. I figure that’s a “fair” way to do it and try to not beat myself up about it. So:

Total Loss: 26 lbs

Total Loss this week: 1lb

:) My goal for next week is 3lbs. I know I can do it. I have to do it. Next week goal is: 266 lbs.

Break the fast right? I’ve been sleeping for the past 6-8 hours, sometimes only 4, oftentimes more like 10.  Either way, when I wake up, I’m ravenous.  I never understood people that don’t eat breakfast. It’s the most important meal of the day!

According to research, skipping meals, especially breakfast, can actually make weight control more difficult. Breakfast skippers tend to eat more food than usual at the next meal or nibble on high-calorie snacks to stave off hunger. Several studies suggest that people tend to accumulate more body fat when they eat fewer, larger meals than when they eat the same number of calories in smaller, more frequent meals.

I love breakfast food. Bacon, eggs, toast, waffles, pancakes, cereal, fruit.  I could eat every meal and have it be of the breakfast variety and not even be mad about it. In the words of Jade, I’m sorry I’m not sorry. You know what I like even more than breakfast food? Going out to eat breakfast food. Breakfast and brunch especially with buffets are my downfall.  There’s nothing like going to a place that will make an omelette right in front of me, exactly the way I want it. But since I don’t do that often, and will probably be doing it less, I had to make some changes at home. 

Thankfully, I live with my sister (Molly, amazinglyenough) who fancies herself the next Ina Garten (Barefoot Contessa). We try to eat a good breakfast balanced with protein, a little fat, carbohydrates and a ton of fruit as often as possible. On the weekends, I eat like a queen. During the week, I usually have a Jimmy Dean Delight breakfast sandwich (Points Plus = 7) and a banana. Generally, I’m eating in my car on the way to work, that’s me time, but I’m still eating it, and I encourage you to too!

For a long time I liked to kid myself into buying the sizes I felt comfortable purchasing. The thought of buying a Large bottom in shorts, bathing suits, skirts, etc scared me. I thought that if I’m so short and not that overweight I must fit into something smaller. I was so wrong.

All of my medium clothing used to “fit” me but I would have to pair it with exactly the right top/cover up so you wouldn’t be able to tell just how tight and improperly it fit me! Now all of those items fit me correctly and it is a world of a difference!

I just tried on some bathing suits for an upcoming trip and while I don’t love my body in a bathing suit (yet) I sure feel better in my suits than I used to. The bottoms no longer cut into my stomach and butt, they just rest on my skin the way they were intended to. The tops don’t fight a battle to keep my boobs up with the limited fabric provided, now my boobs actually fit into the tops I’ve purchased and I am comfortable and look better.

Moral of this run on sentence is none most of my clothing are not too big on me yet, I’m not going down a size, things aren’t falling off of me, but everything fits, everything I own now looks like it was made for me and not like I borrowed it from my niece and that is an amazing feeling :)

30 day challenge

Day One - Your Stats
Age: 21
Height: 5’4
Weight: 121
Size: Unsure

Day Two- How tall are you? Do you like your height?
Day Three- A picture of your thinsperation. What features do you like about this person?
Day Four- Your greatest fears about weight loss.
Day Five- Why do you really want to lose this weight? Are you doing it for you?
Day Six- Do you binge? If so, explain why you think you do.
Day Seven- Do your parents know you’re trying to lose weight? Do they care? 
Day Eight- Your workout routine.
Day Nine- Did people ever make comments about your weight in a negative way?
Day Ten- What was the hardest thing you gave up during this “weight loss.”
Day Eleven- Your favorite thinspo blog and why!
Day Twelve- What do you normally eat?
Day Thirteen- Are you losing weight in a healthy or unhealthy way?
Day fourteen- What’s your UGW? When you expect to reach it?
Day Fifteen- Are you vegan or vegetarian? If so, has this helped you lose weight? If not, would you ever consider turning vegan or vegetarian?
Day Sixteen- When did you first decide to lose weight?
Day Seventeen- Do you have an eating disorder?
Day Eighteen- What food is your weakness?
Day Nineteen- When is the last time you ate fast food?
Day Twenty- Favorite diet?
Day Twenty-One- What are your clothing sizes?
Day Twenty-Two- What was your lowest weight? How and why did you gain?
Day Twenty-Three- Did the media play a role in your wanting to lose weight?
Day Twenty-Four- How do you feel about the terms pro-ana/pro-mia
Day Twenty-Five- Have you ever purged? If you have describe your first experience. 
Day Twenty-Six- What excites you most about reaching your ugw?
Day Twenty-Seven- How do you deal with being around food?
Day Twenty-Eight- Do you want that “gap” between your legs? Why?
Day Twenty-Nine- Your definition of beauty.
Day Thirty-  10 facts about you! And now, what are your stats?

dear followers, please read.

heard this awful story in a speech we watched in health today.

this girl had a boyfriend that told her that her butt was too big. time went on, you know the tale, she became bulimic. well, her parents put her in treatment, against her will. she was not compliant, and was kicked out. her therapists told her to come back when she wanted to get better. it never happened - she drove out to the river, poured gasoline over herself, and lit herself on fire.

dear followers: i’m not telling you stop being bulimic/anorexic right now. but i’m asking you to think. please, please never let yourself become this way. i want you to know that i will care, and it will directly affect me if you ever ever even try to do something like that to yourself.

i know. i’ve felt that way too and yes, i’ve attempted suicide (epic fail, but that’s another story that you can ask to hear by leaving me a message in my ask box). in any case, help is possible. now is the time to figure out if you are willing to change when the time comes. 

you may have to wait. but please, never wait so long that you do anything like that to yourself.

A visit to the Tailor

Ever since I took up running and paid attention to what I eat, the weight have been dropping off like stones. I was about 83kg before I took up running. Now I weight at 66Kg, a total loss of 17 Kgs! I took up running without the intention to lose weight. It was more to prove myself that I can do at least a half Marathon distance run. And after the half Marathon distance, the goal moved to a full Marathon distance. And along the way, the weight just keeps on dropping. I am very mindful not to lose too much weight, especially muscle mass. Hence, next goal is more visits to the gym. One side effects of losing so much weight is then need to update almost whole of my wardrobe recently. Last weekend, I cleaned up those that meant to be donated away, and paid a visit to the Tailor to see if I can salvage at least some of my favourites pants, jeans and shirts. I brought with me about 6 pants, couple of shorts and a shirt. The following conversations took place during my visit to the Tailor

HEALTHY HERBALIFE PROTEIN SHAKE RECIPES

HEALTHY HERBALIFE PROTEIN SHAKE RECIPES
for enjoying with Herbalife ShapeWorks Formula 1, Herbalife Thermojetics Formula 1 or any other protein mix.

Most Herbalife Formula 1 shake recipes call for ice cubes and skim milk.  This is optional.  If you are lactose intolerant, we recommend using rice or soymilk.  That’s what we use and it’s delicious.  You will find additional recipes under the lid of your Formula 1 can.  Remember, juice is high in calories.  Use “low-cal” whenever possible.  Be creative and you find the shake(s) that you love!  ENJOY!!!!!

Aloha Delight
1-cup skim milk
2 tbsp French Vanilla
½ tsp Coconut Extract
½ tsp Pineapple Extract

Wild Berry-Orange Shake
2 tbsp Wild Berry
8 Fluid oz orange juice
4 strawberries
3 ice cubes

American Apple Pie
2 tbsp French Vanilla
8 oz apple juice
1-2 oz skim milk
½ tsp nutmeg
4-5 ice cubes
½ tsp of cinnamon
4 apple slices

Banana Fruit Shake
2 tbsp French Vanilla
4 oz nonfat yogurt
4 oz water
½ cup frozen peach slices
½ medium banana

Hawaiian Punch Shake
2 tbsp French Vanilla or
Wild Berry
8 oz Hawaiian Punch
3 ice cubes

Strawberry Banana
2 tbsp French Vanilla or
Wild Berry Formula 1
8 oz skim milk or apple juice
5-8 frozen strawberries
½ banana
3 ice cubes

Cappuccino Shake
2 tbsp Dutch Chocolate
5 oz skim milk
3 ice cubes
4 oz Non-Fat Vanilla Frozen Yogurt
1 tbsp instant coffee

The Carrot Thing
2 tbsp Vanilla Powder
8 oz fresh carrot juice
3 drops of lemon juice
3 ice cubes

Brain Freeze
2 Tbsp Tropical Fruit Formula #1
½ banana
½ peach
1 tbsp pineapple Cranberry Juice,
Freshly squeezed orange juice

Extra Chocolaty Shake
1 cup skim milk
2 tbsp Dutch Chocolate Formula #1
¼ tsp Vanilla Extract
1 tsp Chocolate Syrup
1 tsp Hershey’s Cocoa Powder
3 ice cubes

Chocolate Banana
2 tbsp Dutch Chocolate Formula #1
8 oz skim milk or water
1 cup banana
3 ice cubes

Mocha Java
2 tbsp Dutch Chocolate Formula #1
1 tbsp instant decaf. Cappuccino
1 scoop Non-fat Vanilla Frozen Yogurt
Non-fat milk & Ice

Fruit-Juicy Shake
2 tbsp Wild Berry Formula #1
8 oz cranberry juice (reduced calorie)
4 strawberries
3 ice cubes

Pear Shake
2 tbsp French Vanilla Formula #1
1 small pear
1/3 banana
4 oz Herbal Aloe
2 drops Almond Extract

Berry Bonsai
2 tbsp Wild Berry Formula 1
5-10 Strawberries
1 scoop Non-fat Frozen
Vanilla Yogurt
Cranberry juice & Ice

Italian Soda Shake
3 Fluid oz orange juice
3 Fluid oz soda water
3 Fluid oz skim milk
2 tbsp French Vanilla
2 tbsp Herbal Aloe

Jamocha Fudge
2 Tbsp Dutch Chocolate
8 oz Cappo bottled Cappuccino
½ tsp chocolate extract
3 ice cubes

Orange Julius & Banana
2 tbsp Vanilla Powder
8 oz orange juice
½ banana

Melon Masterpiece
2 tbsp tropical fruit
8 oz water
½ cup fresh mango
½ cup fresh cantaloupe
3 ice cubes

Mocha Freeze
2 tbsp Dutch Chocolate Formula #1
1 tsp Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup
1 scoop Non-fat Frozen Vanilla Yogurt
Non-fat milk, ice

The Yogurt Thing
2 tbsp Vanilla Powder
6-9 oz Vanilla Yogurt
3-4 oz skim milk
1/3 cup frozen fruit

Root Beer Float
2 tbsp French Vanilla
4 oz skim milk
½ can diet root beer
3 ice cubes

Strawberries and Cream
2 tbsp Wild Berry Formula 1
5-10 Strawberries
2 scoops non-fat Vanilla
Frozen Yogurt
Non-fat milk & Ice

Very Berry Shake
2 tbsp French Vanilla or Wild Berry
8 oz flavored sparkling water
6 frozen strawberries
10-12 frozen raspberries or blackberries
3 ice cubes

Prune Shake
2 Tbsp French Vanilla
6 Fluid oz prune juice
2 Fluid oz Herbal Aloe

Maul Madness
2 tbsp Vanilla Formula #1
1 tbsp Crushed Pineapple
1 tbsp Shredded Coconut
1 scoop Non-fat Vanilla
Frozen Yogurt & Ice

Passionate Papaya Shake
2 tbsp French Vanilla
½ papaya
6 Fluid oz apple juice
2 Fluid oz Herbal Aloe
2 Fluid oz Herbal Aloe

Raspberry Razzmatazz
2 tbsp Dutch Chocolate
8 oz water
1/3-cup raspberries
½ banana
3 ice cubes

Herbal All-Bran Shake
2 tbsp All-Bran Cereal
2 tbsp dry skim milk
¼ cup warm water
2 tbsp French Vanilla

Peach Almond Shake
1 cup frozen peach slices
1/4 tsp almond extract
1 cup soy or nonfat milk
4 ice cubes
2 tbsp French Vanilla

Strawberry Sensation
2 tbsp Wild Berry
8 oz water
1-cup strawberries

Kiwi Quencher
3 Fluid oz orange juice
8 oz water
1 Kiwi fruit
½ banana
3 ice cubes
2 drops green chartreuse

Blueberry Cranberry Shake
2 tbsp French Vanilla
1/3 cup nonfat dry milk
1/2 cup low-calorie cranberry juice
1/2 cup frozen blueberries
A few drops orange extract
4 ice cubes

Wow! This is an awesome visual! Goes to show not just how much...

Wow! This is an awesome visual! Goes to show not just how much of an accomplishment 5 pounds is but why HEALTHY diets that allow for the loss of fat weight and gaining of muscle create such dramatic drops in inches (which is what really matters, the size of our bodies)!

I’m down 8 pounds now but more than 3 inches from my hips and I think this picture explains exactly how that can happen! :D

I actually really like these fat models because it makes me feel happy to be able to see just how much is really gone. It’s hard to see weight loss on yourself because you constantly see what you look like. However, I think seeing these fat models is a really great WOW moment! :)

Spring Flu = Movie Time

Postcard design by Megan Heflin.

This, ma' dudes, will be a long and largely pointless one.

I am a man of many talents, not the least of which is sudden, debilitating illness at irregular yet strangely predictable intervals. I never imagined I would have a show crash (sudden collapse of health and mental faculty following a production's close; not to be confused with Snow Crash) after filming Android Insurrection, yet that seems to be exactly what has happened to me over the past four days or so. How else can I explain a sudden flu in the middle of spring? It even began during a lull in the almost-constant rain we're having. It began, in fact, while I was enjoying an impromptu trip out Thursday night to see Thor.

I don't know, man. It's enjoyable? It's enjoyable. They did a nice job capturing some of that easy humor that made the first Iron Man so palatable, without skimping on serious stakes for the characters. Branagh was in familiar territory in many respects, including regally set father-son relationships. I also found it largely forgettable, though. Probably the most interesting aspect of it was how finely honed Loki's character seemed to be - never being outright evil, never being altogether good. I actually found myself wondering how much he himself was aware of his motivations, at times. Unexpected complexity for this kind of movie.

It's also, unsurprisingly, a movie that cluster-flocks your eyeballs with elaborate CGI. They seemed aware enough of this to make the Earth setting very plain and grounded, but that doesn't help me view Asgard as any less of a carnival of RoyG.Biv-brought pain, a little vacation in a rainbow-decked uncanny valley, a . . . really computer-generated picture-thing. And I really do wish someone would get a memo out to Marvel that this rubber-ized "armor" material they use doesn't read as magi-science metal. It reads as cheese, a la '90's The Flash television series. At one point in the movie, Thor drops one of their shields, and the pick-up of it hitting the ground uses an actual metal shield. It was so jarring to the continuity to me I laughed. Why did no one else? The prop had clearly been made of plastic up until that point! HA HA!

But to some extent, I have to admit, I was probably just disappointed in a similar way to how I was over Batman Begins. It's not that they did an especially bad job, it's just not the movie I would've liked to see. I know it would have made some problems for integrating Thor into the Avengers movie, but I think when life hands you a superhero who is a god, nested in ancient history, you have the potential to do something really different with the idiom. Make him more of a question mark. Dress him in rusty metal, or dare to give him religious overtones. Just a little grit and ambiguity is what makes me more interested in Captain America and X-Men: First Class than Thor. But I may be alone in this, and gods know it wasn't my $150 million, so what do I know?

The rest of my weekend enjoyed the remainder of our "three months free" Showtime (the WORST pay channel?), The Movie Channel and Netflix Instant. (Wife Megan can rejoice that at least a couple of the decidedly unromantic Korean films have been wiped from our queue.) I started out inauspiciously, which may or may not have had something to do with how sick I was compared to how sick I thought I was - by midday my fever of which I had previously been unaware had spiked to 102. I wrapped up Valkyrie On Demand (oh Bryan, what pretty, inconsequential movies you make) and started on Adventureland. I only got about fifteen minutes in to that before giving up. Still can't decide if that was because I found the movie improbably uninteresting (it is) or because my frustration trying to understand Jesse Eisenberg's meteoric movie career hit a bursting point (it did).

But THEN. Oh, THEN. Cruising through channels for something short-term, I found that Big Fan was just starting. This is a little movie I've had some curiosity about. I enjoy it - succeed or fail - when comedians (Patton Oswalt, in this case) tackle serious fare, and I thought the movie sounded like it had potential for interesting conflict when I heard about it a couple of years ago. But I pretty much hate spectator sports (subject for another post) and, frankly, at the time I was a little mixed on Patton. Since then I've had time to learn more about him, and he's grown on me. So I gave Big Fan a shot.

OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS. Oh my gosh. So good. So GOOD. Man. This movie was surprising in all the best ways, primarily because it is deftly handled with incredible honesty. It's ugly - New York and Jersey look like they really do most of the time, and the people are presented in all their fat and crinkles. It's beautiful - so believable, and the most despicable of characters are played with real heart. And what everyone said about Oswalt's performance is true. It's unequivocally wonderful. I think it's entered my canon of great NYC movies, in spite of being contemporary, largely in New Jersey and about football fans. Go to see (er, at home, from whichever delivery service).

After Big Fan, I shuffled back to bed with my peaking fever, and brought the laptop to consume one that I've been hanging on to for far too long. I balked at Let the Right One In; don't know why, but I just keep putting that one off. Instead, I finally hunkered down for Oldboy. Which, I've decided, was a mistake. 1) I waited too long and it got built up quite a bit in my mind 2) Big Fan left me high, not in the mood for hard-boiled noir 3) I've since learned the dubbing on Old Boy is atrocious, and I should've gotten the DVD and watched with subtitles. It's a good film. It's based on manga, and is a revenge story, so . . . BRING THE KIDS! (But don't, at all.) Ugh. That was my overall response. It's difficult to imagine a Spielberg/Smith remake.

But it was awfully well done! With both (dark) humor and good performances! Yay, noir, as well! And one thing, which I can't believe I never heard specifically about: corridor fight scene. Oh my God. Shot over three days with no cuts or CGI edits (barring some small CGI to deal with a stabbing and a few punch connections). All time - it's in my top ten fight scenes, indubitably. Warning: This is violent: No, really:


I didn't feel like leaving Korea just yet (in spite of having a bit of a gorge in my throat [possibly a live octopus]) and ventured thereafter into The Host. This is a movie I can recommend without hesitation. Unless you dislike monster and/or dysfunctional-family movies. It's billed as a horror movie, but I think that's a little reductive. What gives the movie wings (gills?) is its success in portraying a lovable yet serious dysfunction in family, society - really in humanity at large. The struggle against the monster becomes the struggle against our own nature, and its outcome is satisfyingly bleak. That being said, the movie is still very funny and ends on a hopeful note. Great sick viewing. Wish I could have seen it with a NYC audience when it was in theatres.

I tried to move on to Daybreakers which - I've been led to believe - is a largely underrated movie, but alas the weight of sleep was too much. The good Wife and I did finally consume I Love You, Phillip Morris over the course of Saturday into Sunday, which had been laying listless on our sidetable for almost a week. ILYPM is really REALLY good. I think. I was a little fever-hazy, feeling helpless for much of it, so I might have been especially emotionally pliable. But I think it was really REALLY good. A pretty impressive blend of humor, style, and genuine emotion. Great performances from two actors who are, admittedly, favorites of mine (though certainly far from do-no-wrong status). I wanted to stand up and clap for them at the end, but that may speak to my physical state as much as to their work.

There's also a lot of outright male homosexual sexuality. Men, having sex with each other, and enjoying that. So it may not be everyone's thing. I, for one, found its approach to that aspect refreshing. It pulled no punches, while also having a freeing sense of humor about it. Frankly, I expected to experience more of a challenge with it, given how much seeming controversy surrounded the movie's release here in the US. I wonder if that controversy was more constructed to try to market the film post-Brokeback, or if anti-homosexual contingents are more offended by enjoying homosexuality than by glorifying or being coy with it? Whatever. Movie's not about that - surprise, surprise.

Aptly enough, the weekend ended with both the Wife and I performing in our cinema-themed, student silks show: Coming Attractions. Each act was inspired by a different popular movie, Wifey's being an amazing (and impressively long) solo inspired by Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I made it in by the skin of my constitution (and the grace of some OD'ing on Alka-Seltzer Cold'n'Flu) and managed to perform a little less than half of my Die Hard-inspired solo. I wasn't sure if I had recovered enough by Sunday evening to manage the opening move (an all-arm climb) much less anything else, but adrenaline is the best medicine, and in a way I had been studying movie magic my entire accidental three-day weekend. As I got close to my improvised stopping point, hanging from the ceiling by my knees and grappling with sweaty hands to tie a knot below me, I thought:

This is apt, too. John McClane would totally have the flu while having to do something both stupid and awesome. Yippee-ki-yay...

I Can Not Stress Enough...

Found here.

There's a little voice in my head that moonlights as an escape artist.  It must be, because no gag or act of psychic bondage will shut the little son-of-ma'-brain up.  It is in essence a control valve for my ambition, and it goes a little something like this:

"Jeff.  Jeff.  Jeff.  Jeff.  Jeff.  Hey Jeff.  Jeff.  Jeff.  Hey Jeff.  Hey.  Remember that thing you have to do.  You know: the thing.  Not the one thing, but that other thing.  But do the other other thing first.  And then remember to come back to the first thing I mentioned, and then do that one thing.  If you can't remember any one of these things, well, you're probably going to screw it all up.  Actually, you will.  Screw it all up.  It's already screwed up, by merit of you being the one who has to do it.  It's all going to turn out very, very badly - even worse than using an adverb in an ambiguous context.  Which you just did.  Worse yet, the aforementioned screwing up will occur as a result of a spiral of failure starting with some small thing and eventually taking the entire endeavor known as YOUR LIFE down like the Titanic.  Because that's what happens to big, ignorant things.  Hey Jeff.  Hey Jeff.  If you don't stop sucking soon, it may already be too late..."

He's an extremely helpful little guy.  Especially when one is dealing with multiple deadlines.

Recently I added to my roster of responsibilities some work for a company that sends actors in to corporate environments to facilitate lessons in communication between managers and their team members.  I was wary of this sort of work at first, because Wife Megan worked for one such institution when she first moved to NYC, and they sounded horrible.  Very touchy-feely, metaphoric and therapeutic in their approach, which I personally find inappropriate for a work environment.  (Yes, even in theatre work - a debate best left for another post.)  Fortunately, the place I'm working for now has a more pragmatic view of communication in the work place, and it's one I thus far agree with.

So I'm trying to apply their philosophy to a conversation with my extremely helpful little guy (henceforth "EHLG").  It might go a little something like this:

Me: Hey EHLG. How are you?

EHLG: Hey Jeff. Hey Jeff.

Me: Um - hey.

EHLG: You know what?

Me: What's that?

EHLG: You suck. At living.

Me: Okay, see-

EHLG: Living is something you're very bad at.

Me: EHLG.

EHLG: Hm?

Me: Do you see what you just did there?

EHLG: You mean the way I spoke truth to power?

Me: Well from my perspective, you tried to tear down power.

EHLG: Word up.

Me: But see, EHLG, I don't have much of any power over you.

EHLG: Word up.

Me: And if you tear me down, it only hurts both of us.

EHLG: Word...huh.

Me: What is it you're hoping to get out of this?

EHLG: You know, you're not very good at this feedback stuff.

Me: Okay.

EHLG: You fake it pretty good, but that can only take you so far and pretty soon you're going to fail and suffer.

Me: I'm suffering now.

EHLG: Not as much as you will if you keep going.

Me: Is that a threat?

EHLG: You know, you're not very good at perceiving threats.

And let's take a little break here.  This is a weird post, I'll admit it, but also pretty interesting to me, I must admit as well.  The first practice session I had with the feedback-training company got confusing quickly, because we were all trainees and we ran sessions with one another.  That meant that in addition to trying to learn the techniques the company used in role-playing, we were at times role-playing being a facilitator who was role-playing being an employee of a manager/student who was, him or herself, a role-player; all the while improvising a scenario with specific given circumstances.  (WE HAVE TO GO DEEEPER [BRAAAAHHHHHMMMMM...].)

The big mistake I made in that practice session was not when I was playing the manager, but the actor/facilitator.  I got confused, and came on too strong with the obstacle that "manager" was being asked to deal with.  Ideally, one wants to adjust to his or her level of intercommunication and nudge it towards something more, and I just barreled on through with my characterization instead.  Call it my learned imperative response as an actor.  I've gotten better at it.  One key element is to insert a pause in the role-play for analysis and discussion.  It allows the manager to reflect and feel permitted to try a fresh angle.

EHLG: You suck.

Me: Thanks EHLG; I appreciate your feedback and will try to consider it in future endeavors.

EHLG: You're welcome.

Me: I wanted to talk to you today about your feedback, actually. Have you found it to be getting you the results you want?

EHLG: Mostly. I have to keep repeating myself, which is pretty irritating, but that's the way it goes when you're talking to someone sucky.

Me: Have you thought about trying a different approach?

EHLG: Oh, I'm always changing gears: you suck, you blow, you aren't good at anything ever, you are justly hated and/or despised, your failure is compounded by your ugly face and funny clothes, etc.

Me: You do spend a lot of time coming up with that feedback

EHLG: Thank you.

Me: Let me tell you, though, that what I see is that your negativity is working against you, making your job harder on yourself.

EHLG: You're not very good at perceiving reality.

Me: Thanks, EHLG, for phrasing that in that way.

EHLG: What way?

Me: "Not very good."  You did that earlier, and I really appreciate when you show that consideration for me. It makes me feel better about listening to you.

EHLG: Your feelings are unimportant and stupid.

Me: You're welcome to have that opinion, but can I just point out that by assuaging my feelings, you make your job more efficient? In addition, by ignoring them, you imperil your position in this personality.

EHLG: I do?

Me: Of course, I wouldn't want to lose you if I can help it, EHLG.  You are always working, always keeping an eye on your well-being, and I appreciate the vigilance.  It's just that your negativity threatens to bring down everything you touch, and I of course can't have that happening. By being so aggressive in your input, you're alienating essential coworkers, like passion and inspiration.  Do you understand what I mean?

EHLG: Yeah.

Me: What do you think about that?

EHLG: It's stupid.

Me: Well, let's agree to check in again next week, at which time we can review your progress and make some decisions about what will help us work together better.

EHLG: That's stupid and sucky and you're stupid and sucky and I hate you.

Sometimes, you just have to be proud of how well you can handle a situation, and hope to get better results next time.  Having a little understanding for yourself can help with stress, too.

A Little More Inside

Because I know you diligently read every single item I post with great fervor and admiration, Dear Reader, you'll no doubt immediately reference from this title my post of May 13, 2010. Just in case you need refreshing: An link. Just in case you fear linkage: I'm in rehearsals for an original comedy called Love Me (an link [you see what I did there]) in which I play the central character's inner monologue embodied bodily on-stage. Wacky? Oui. Fun? Often. Challenging? No question about it.

Over the course of two weeks, things have progressed rather nicely. Because of various conflicts I have and the general nature of my role, I haven't been to about half of the rehearsals so far. Now things are gearing up and scenes are stringing together, so I'm called all the time and finding myself grateful for that. It helps me create connections with these fellow actors with whom I share stage time, but not necessarily any real scene work. The big exception to that is of course Aaron -- the real "me." Even he isn't allowed to look at me whilst on stage together, but I'm finding the tennis game of playing the same role from different perspectives growing more and more simpatico with him. There's a nice give-and-take, and we continue to find new techniques to make it work.

It's kind of funny, actually, how little I can solve these challenges by any kind of logical approach; it is far more productive to proceed instinctively. It seemed like such an artificial trope, this inner monologue (I.M.) incarnation, that I was inclined to set some ground rules as a first step. Address audience in this case, address Charlie in that, don't manipulate objects, etc. As with regular ol' acting, however, my instincts prove much smarter than my rational brain. The most important thing is to keep a flow of ideas (no matter how ragingly inappropriate) coming so more can catch in the sieve. This is an old acting lesson--and one I just have to keep on relearning, it seems--but particularly important when one is playing someone else's id or super-ego.

Of course, some conventional acting wisdom is less helpful, if not downright disruptive. For example, staying in eye contact with your scene partner as much as possible. Also, in many cases, we want to see an actor fighting his emotions in order to achieve some goal; this is the idea behind crying on stage, the point not being the tears, but to keep working through that crying. However, when you have an alter ego playing out your practical or scenic obligations, the best thing you can do to tell the story is flat-out show his hidden or outwardly controlled emotions. I jump around and shout a lot in this play, and I just have to keep reminding myself that such no-nos are exactly and precisely what I'm there to do.

There are a few scenes in the play when we get to blur these rules in entertaining ways. For example, Aaron and I come a lot closer together in a scene in which he's hammered drunk, to the extent that we are literally back-to-back, holding one another up for our elaborate drunken swaying. At this stage of rehearsal, the ensemble is getting comfortable enough for more physical choices and choreography in general, and this is of course a favorite stage of things for yours truly. From the start we are now establishing that not only do I have physical control over Aaron, but sometimes he over me as well (when he's particularly using his imagination, for example). There are also three or four moments in which I get to initiate some of his subconscious gestures by directly operating him like a puppet. There's great fun to be had in these moments when they're more adversarial. At such times, Aaron has to justify in the "real" world why he tripped or bit his nails at a particular moment, and heck: that's just fun stuff.

In terms of my off-stage work, I really should be jogging and stretching more. I'm not in the worst shape, but my exercise for a while now has been predominantly silks work with the amazing Cody Schreger, and there's not a whole lot of shimmying involved in Love Me (pity, really). What there is a lot of is running around and contorting and falling. The trouble is that this all happens in rehearsal until 10:30 or so, and so, when I wake up at 6:00...no running for me. Must get on it now, because June 10th is just over that hill...

A Walk to Memorize

The other day I took a walk through my general area of Queens, seeking out nice light and places I hadn't seen. The peppered photos are from this little journey (as inspired by some of Friend Patrick's recent posts). I didn't start on my walk with the specific purpose of taking photos -- just thought of it as I was headed out the door. Rather, I wanted to grab a little leg stretching while there was still light out on a beautiful day that I had otherwise spent largely indoors and seated.

I don't know why I don't take walks more often, but I'm going to try from now on. I was recently reminded while listening to the Totally Laime podcast that it used to be a habit of mine. I would take walks with my mom or friends or love interests along the twisting asphalt paths that twined through the forests of my hometown neighborhoods, and these walks invariably made for interesting conversation and at least a little bit of relaxation. They were nice, so of course I took them for granted. Maybe when I moved to the city I convinced myself that there was nothing to see like the flora and fauna of Burke, or maybe I was too concerned with my safety initially, or found my days too full or time returning home too late to contemplate walking as recreation. Heck-n-shoot: We walk everywhere in New York. Maybe I've missed the distinction between that kind of walking and the leisure activity.

Whatever the reason for the pause, I'm returning to it. This walk through Queens was tremendous and refreshing (refreshendous?) and really set me in a state of mind I could definitely do with more of. Somehow the decision to "go for a walk" freed me up to sort of declare that I was going to have an experience and not aim to get anything done for a little while. I was active, and continuously so, but also receptive and generally contemplative. Instead of going somewhere or being somewhere, I was neither.

The next day I saw a talk that resonated with me. Linda Stone was stating observations that I have been making for years now, and putting them into a context I could understand and appreciate. She was turning information into knowledge, perhaps. Whatever it was, it reminded me of the state of being I returned to on my little walk. Some steps from her walk:

• Noise becomes data when it has a cognitive pattern.
• Data becomes information when assembled into a coherent whole which can be related to other information.
• Information becomes knowledge when integrated with other information in a form useful for making decisions and determining actions.
• Knowledge becomes understanding when related to other knowledge in a manner useful in anticipating, judging and acting.
• Understanding becomes wisdom when informed by purpose, ethics, principles, memory and projection.

Polar

It's an incredibly interesting word. All its meanings come from the concept of a pole shape, and so are rather straight-forward in etymology. However, they signify vastly different concepts in and of themselves, depending upon usage. It can mean central, or pivotal, but also diametrically opposed as in the ends of a pole or opposing magnetic forces. In addition, it can be used to describe something that functions as a principle guide. Quite accidentally, it seems, the word "polar" nearly, neatly encompasses (pun unintended [honest]) just about every little thing inside and out, for or against.

The other night I was in casual conversation with a friend when she made one of those sorts of personal observations that was so exact as to give me a start. I've been thinking that I'm in a place of generalized uncertainty; that I have been in such a place for a while, actually, but am only now coming to realize it. My friend said something to the effect of, "You seem to be in a tricky place of trying to figure out what's next." Bingo. Yes. A place of trying. And that makes me feel uncertain about just about everything. And that in turn swings me around, moodily, as though I were a Mylar toy in the mouth of a playful cat.

(Maybe that's only my cat?)

I've noticed a trend in naming when it comes to psychological analysis, and I've always considered myself unqualified for such an observation, so I've kept it to myself. (At least I think I have, Dear Reader; I'm sure you'll correct me if I lie.) Recently, however, I learned about the American Psychiatric Association's evaluation of their terminology and definitions (thank you, This American Life) and the tremendous controversies and impact these ever-changing guidelines can engender. Take the example TAL covers in the linked story: the classification and eventual declassification of homosexuality as a mental disorder. The next official guidelines, or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) are due to be released around May of 2013 and, guess what, you can view the draft online. Heck: Register, and you could've submit commentary. (Only until April 20th! Fail!)

This little affirmation that psychiatry is just as mutable a science as any of the others (if not a bit more so) has me thinking about my little theory a bit more. I think perhaps that the naming of supposed disorders reflects more about our collective relationship to our environment than it does any particular diagnostic insight into psychiatry. To take it further, our concept of "normal" behavior is subliminally reflected in our choice of wording when it comes to naming what we believe to be abnormal. In other words (pun very much intended), by the very act of trying to be impartial and insightful about them, we are showing our specific bias and inability to understand behaviors.

I'm not slamming psychiatry. I think it's a very adaptive science that pursues very important goals. If I'm slamming anything, it's folks who put too much faith in psychiatry as a textbook for understanding people. People who do this exist, and they're stupid. I am pretty stupid, too, as far as formal psychiatric education goes; there's no way I could last in a debate against the most green of students. Fortunately, I'm not aiming for argument here, but for exploration of the possibility that our need for names might offer us clues into understanding the namers as much as understanding the named. All this hinges on another, background premise with which you may not agree -- to wit: there is no "normal." Disorders, yes, to the extent that the disorder refers to behavior that impairs functionality. But normalcy? In self-aware humans? Sorry, I'm not buying it. If you do, you might want to save yourself some grief and stop right about here.

(If you feel like a cat-victimized Mylar toy from here on out, it's not my fault.)

It's interesting to note that the defining aspect of bipolar disorder is currently under review by the APA. That is, the "rapid cycling specifier."[DSM-5: 296.5x] When I was growing up, I never heard about bipolar disorder, and believe it's a quite recent adoption. For most of my life, a sort of blanket adjective was used: manic-depressive. Wikipedia suggests this term was officially adopted as of DSM-2. That same article begins with some etymology far more complex and interesting than the stuff of my opening paragraph. This etymological overview suggests that the behavior associated with these terms dates back to the very beginnings of recorded human history. I can't help but wonder what qualified as bipolar behavior in times of such struggle and innovation.

The term "bipolar" is not only ambiguous for its use of "polar," but for "bi-," which is one of the most misunderstood prefixes in western English. When used to indicate a period of time, it can mean twice per a given unit, or once per every two of a given unit. We attempt to overcome this by using for example "semimonthly" to indicate something that happens twice a month, but this is not a replacement, merely a potential substitution. It doesn't make "bi-" any less ambiguous, in other words. Now, I understand how they mean the term bipolar in reference to the disorder (at least I think I do [two magnets every pivotal two months, right?]). I just find it interesting that in ostensibly trying to refine and specify a description of erratic emotional behavior, we have jumbled it up so very thoroughly.

Maybe it's apt. That is how it feels when one is in the midst of a manic-depressive cycle, or a rapidly-cycling mood, or a feeling velocipede (What?) -- it's extremely difficult to know which way is up, find one's center or know whether one is coming or one is gone. And maybe, just maybe, this is my acting philosophy showing through, but I can't help but wonder if we aren't all pretty bipolar. I'm not discounting by any means people who are crippled by bipolar disorder. There are some who need serious help to function. Yet I feel that by searching for the identities of disorders, we sometimes find disorder in the natural order. In acting, at least in my school of it, we say, "use what works." No one technique is superior to another. It's all about the approach best suited to the task at hand. Sometimes feeling lost, or swung about, is the very technique we need to discover another route onward.

Inversion

It's surprisingly pliant and strong fabric, stretchy, but just to a certain point where it locks and holds at whatever length marks its limit. It's called a "silk," as if it represented a single object rather than a length or segment of some endlessly stitched material. "Silk," also as if it were the softest textile to use, but be careful: it will give you subtle burns, taking away skin at such microscopic increments that you won't feel the blister until much later. As with most circus skills, you've been deceived by how easy the experienced performers make it look and, in at least a small part, by the seeming innocence or mundane appearance of the "silk" itself. Nothing of the performance of that skill suggests throbbing forearms or aching, limited lats in the slightest.

So the first thing you learn is how to climb, which is also the first deception. It would seem as though you're powering your way up, Greco-Roman, arm over arm. In point of fact your abdomen is the one of whom a lot is asked, lifting your feet as high up the tail of the fabric as you can so you can lock it between your feet and push with your legs until a new, higher point is within the reach of your ready arms. Once you've climbed, it's time to learn to descend. That's the slide down, but a controlled one, because even at a reasonable pace the silk can tear at your dermis. If you want to be demonstrative, you can add a certain flair to releasing your grips, extending your arms out wide to accentuate how little you feel the burning resistance between your clenched feet.

Next up is to learn a couple of locks, or positions in which the fabric holds your weight without much help. From the ground you step up into a foot lock, and learn new sorts of pain from the silk, which has instantly attained the leveraging attributes of a jiu-jitsu practitioner. You see yourself down the road a ways, your new blister healed and with an instinctive understanding of how to settle your foot into this lock without your toes cramping but, for now, both aspects are toying with your pain relays. The hip lock seems okay, once you learn to trust the twist involved and to be cautious of your external reproductive organs (an interesting trade-off in advantages for your upper body strength, if you possess said external organs), until you try the straight-leg variety, which performs a relentless shiatsu massage on the delicate nerves in your hip flexor. Perhaps all this nerve conditioning is more than you ever wanted, and gives you pause, but you're on to the next thing and are sure everything will be all right now that you aren't in a straight-leg relentless-shiatsu hip lock any longer.

Why is it that all the deaths related to circus practitioners you've heard of lately happened off of silks?

The next steps integrate what you've picked up (or limped through) with inversions and, eventually, drops. That's a large part of the appeal of silks; they very easily encapsulate the dual appeal of beauty and danger people associate with circus acts. Because of the forgiving behavior of the material (ha ha), the performer can not only climb it and flare it out and bind themselves up, but he or she can also drop, fall, spinning toward the ground, saved at the last possible moment by the bobbing silk. Obviously, the more dangerous the drop seems, the better response there is to be had from the audience. Dropping head-first is something you want to do. And it takes practice.

It's a funny thing, being upside down. You never really, really get used to it. Practice doesn't ever quite make it to perfect. There's always some part of you that insists that things are going to continue as they have, with the ground beneath your feet and your balance based from there on up ("up" being a direction associated with your standing "up" hair). So when someone tries to teach you how to tie yourself upside-down, you have the curious sensation of feeling proud of being able to pull it off. Then they ask you to fall face-first toward the floor, and you have the curious follow-up sensation of trepidation over whether or not you tied yourself upside-down in the right, un-cracked-spine manner.

Drop! Catch! Not even a bloody nose, and you suddenly have an easier time imagining yourself enduring pinched muscles, swollen forearms and blistered ankles.

Last Thursday Wife Megan and I took our first circus class together, and were taught beginner's silk lessons by Friend Cody. I have been eager to rejoin the world of circus training, so there was little doubt in my mind about the fun and challenges to be had. Still, one wonders if he has lost anything, if the risks now outweigh the rewards, if new patterns will allow for older enthusiasms. I haven't, they don't, and they do. Can't hardly wait for this Thursday's follow-up lesson and time for more drops and inversions.

Point & Counterpoint

Yesterday I worked at el day jobo, taught the second half of my workshop at CCNY, attended an acupuncture appointment, made leftovers into dinner when I got home and watched the movie Bolt before climbing into bed. The only part of that which was unplanned was the movie, but we'd gotten it through Netflix some time ago and some priorities get shuffled aside when one wants new things through one's Netflix queue. By that time, at any rate, I rather felt that I had earned 90 minutes of recreation. Paid for it on the tail end, of course (or would that be the head end?) when I snoozed through my overly optimistic 6:00 AM workout alarm this morn'.

I've written about how busy I've been lately, so yesterday didn't particularly stick out for me until I considered it today. At the day job, my energy is very focused on getting things done and put away, streamlining and being efficient. The class I taught was fairly chaotic; there was a lot to cover, and it was mostly about cultivating an energy of play and exploration as we raced along. Then, at acupuncture, I continued my work on letting go. LET GO ALREADY. It's funny to think of it that way, but somewhere between my tendency to be utterly tense and power through challenges and my inclination to completely veg out in front of the tube a la bewbs is an alert relaxation that I'm trying to cultivate for acupuncture.

Every time I try to teach building a physical character to actors, I include a little gem from my first acting teacher in college, Gary Hopper. It's called "active neutral," and it serves as a kind of clean slate from which to kick into a character. The idea is that simply moving from your daily self directly into a character might permit personal idiosyncrasies to carry over, especially when you're in the delicate process of beginning to develop said character. In addition, when playing many characters, active neutral helps keep the choices distinct backstage (assuming you have time enough between changes to enact it for a moment). An active neutral state is one in which the body is set to basic, balanced and erect, face blank, but the readiness to perform, to act, is cultivated and kept at the ready inside. I can be a bit of a phallus (What? It's Latin!) when it comes to enforcing this state in class -- if I see students picking at their clothes, or zoning slightly, I'll test them all and make sure they're snapping to it. Clap! Active neutral! Clap! Relax. Clap! Active neutral!

Today it occurs to me that I'm trying to make them switch roles as quickly and completely as I often have to in my daily life. Projecting? Perhaps. But I also consider it good training for future professional actors.

'Sno Doubt

We don't have "snow days" here in New York. They don't shut this city down for nothing (short of disaster and/or east-coast-consuming power failure). This morning they actually closed the NYC schools, yet we privileged adults are still at work. It is not so, in my home town of Fairfax, Virginia. They love to close there. You could argue that it's a car-culture thing, and it is, but it's also that they love to close there. They close on weather prediction, sometimes. Wife Megan sees this as a sensible policy, but I fluctuate in my opinion. I like that New York doesn't shut down for snow, that we keep on truckin'. I'd like it better still if my work day was a little more theatre-y, but there you have it.

Today, however, I shake my fist at New York's resilience in the face of the inclement. Durn you, NYC! Durn you right straight to heliotropic heck.

I caught myself a cold over the weekend, when Friends Mark and Lori were up for a short visit on their way to skiing. It's not a bad one, but I nursed the heliotrope from it yesterday (and by "nursed," I of course mean "sat on the couch eating whatever and watching the entire LoR trilogy on the TBSes") in the hopes that it would be banished today. It's better, but not banished, and the snowy commute seems an added burden, in spite of my tremendous snow boots. Would that it were banished. ("Yet, banished?!")

It seems to me that I have been sick numerous times in the past nine months. Every year, Actors' Equity offers free flu shots, and I didn't go this year, so I can't help but wonder whether things might've been different this time around had I opted in on that. Also, there is a noted tendency for we actors to come down with something after ending a long and/or strenuous production process, as I just have. It's like one's system says, "Oh, we're done bouncing around and shouting every night promptly at 8:00? Great. I'ma take a lil' breather now; see you in a week or so." You can add to that the circumstance wherein I astoundingly overestimated the temperature on Saturday (Friday was so warm!) and had my first purging acupuncture appointment in two-and-a-half months. There are, in short (too late), numerous reasons why I might be saddled with a cold right about now.

HOWEVER. However. When I get sick/injured with great frequency, I can't help but recall something a therapist once advised: If you find yourself getting hurt a lot, consider the possibility that it's your psyche trying to get you to pay attention. This therapist used as an example shaving cuts. This may sound a bit nutty to some, but think of a computer, if it seems too far-fetched. When I start having a problem loading a particular program, I always consider it a possibility that something else may be gummed up, and that this is merely symptomatic. Our brains are pretty complex little computers, even without considering emotion (ha ha), and I believe the same possibility exists for we humans, we all-too-humans. So I'm contemplating the possibility that something underlying or over-reaching may be going on for me here. At any rate, it can't hurt to ponder.

Certainly returning to el day jobo has been a stress factor for me, so my default explanation is that I'm unhappy with my work situation and the relative lack of acting therein. Ah, but I caught cold during R&J as well. Prior to that I got ill in the fall, toward the end of September. And in between, there have been various physical aggravations and minor injuries. If my theory is to be believed, then whatever's aggravating me has been doing so -- on and off -- for nearly six months now. Perhaps it's money, that old bugaboo. Certainly those stresses mount daily. If it's a problem with myself, it's feeling a bit unanchored, or uncertain, I think. (See?) I started a daily record of little details from my day at the new year, and it grows spottier and spottier. I haven't used it at all from the end of the R&J run. I'll give it a shot again.

The snow has given me pause to contemplate this as much as the ill health and virtually abandoned office, so there's a silver lining to all this white wash. Conclusion? None. Yet. But I'll mention one other thing -- I finally looked at upcoming NYC auditions today. Perhaps it is the work, somehow. Or perhaps it is frustration with myself for not getting out there more . . .